So today started off not too well. I woke up at 3:00 a.m., dove into marking a few things off my to-do list, and as one thing led to another, I quickly found myself dissolved in a pile of (hormonal?) tears, at the end of the proverbial rope. When my husband woke up shortly thereafter, I asked him if he would put off his morning workout to talk me through a few things.
Our position in life has been, well, dire, over the past year. Normally I handle that pretty well. What would cause other people to cave and crumble, I often welcome as a challenge, an opportunity to learn, to grow, to become a better version of myself. I know all the right answers and I’m good at throwing them at my head: everything happens for a reason, this will all work out for the good, God has a plan, yada-yada-yada. I point myself towards a to-do list, cross a couple things off, celebrate small victories, and move forward. One foot in front of the other.
Today, not so much. The to-do list got to me. The affirmations weren’t working. And a series of rumors, lies, and ill-will that has been circulating hit me full force. As I started to dwell on the negativity (never usually a good thing to do), I realized that even though I was avoiding talking about it, I was still tucking it at the back of my mind–a bit like a grudge. On the surface I was doing the best thing, trying to be the positive, “bigger person” and move beyond it quickly, get over it, and focus on progress. But while avoiding it verbally, I realized that I was letting those little things pile up, so that I could pull them out and resent them at some point in time in the future.
What a waste of brain space.
I pulled out a piece of paper, and made a list–a list of people that have said things, rumors I have heard, and hurtful, painful comments that have come my way over the past few months. Making the list pulled the stress and worry and hurt out of my head, where it was festering (even though I wasn’t willing to admit that), and put it someplace where I didn’t have to stew about it any more. And one by one, I chose to forgive each comment, rumor, and assumption.
There is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I love:
I don’t think any of us set out to be a small mind, and I definitely don’t want to consciously choose to be a small mind.
Choosing forgiveness, and moving on.